When I Die 1000 Birds Will...

And Everything Will Be Just Awful When We're Around

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:07:48 GMT

i haven't written in here in FOREVER, but i felt like i needed to tonight. so much has changed in my life and it's ridiculous, i don't feel like i'm anywhere close to the same person that I was when i was fifteen and sixteen, but I know that I am. I got to hang with John for one of the few times all summer and we had a nice really long talk about all the shit we used to get into. we also talked about music and art, and how i should continue working with art because i shouldn't let my creativity slip away. tonight felt like that same time again, even though so much shit has changed.

chilling with cam this weekend at the cabin helped a lot of shit out too, i keep changing my global outlook every few days and i'm never the same person from week to the next.

painting has been the most frustrating experience of my life, along with a lot of other things this summer.

i dont know what the fuck the plan is for anything anymore, and i never want to again.

i have a long list of things to do, but i'm not sure if i'll do any of them, or finish them all by tomorrow night, which is how my summer has been and how the rest of my life will be, even if i still suck at articulating this mess of words.

end summation of the summer (since most people are leaving in a week): awesome, all that I could have ever imagined would happen. and, i finally learned to leave shit be, which has made everthing easier.

i also don't think about the end of the world as much anymore, but i still think about crazy ass shit all the time, especially when i'm hanging off of houses.

the half of a paycheck sucked today, but still being able to list six memorable events is right up there with my summer quota, everything seems to have been blown to bits, but everything has stayed the same, and i guess i just don't get why but i dont care either.

There's a Crack in Your Window, There's a Crack in Your Life

Wed, 09 May 2007 00:14:20 GMT

I'm kinda down right now. this stupid fucking sickness is like destroying everything around me, at least i feel like it is.

she's going to a friend's house to get drunk this weekend because i have mono and she wouldn't spend the night alone with me instead of getting fucked up, i dont know i'm not really blaming her, but i feel like this is her way of getting back at me for even getting this, cuz i swear deep down she thinks i did something wrong to catch this, and i honestly didn't do shit, i wish i could pin this down to something specific, but i cant.

oh well, i'll let her live her life, i can't give her anymore stress right now, she's at the end of her rope and she needs to let her hair down, but i know i'm gonna sit at home on saturday freaking out all night assuming the worst, cuz that's what i do.

i hate having mono.

Let's Get Out of This World

Sun, 06 May 2007 19:01:36 GMT

I have mono. I dont know how I got this lovely disease, but hillary blames rachel, which makes me sad because i feel like she thinks i might have cheated on her, which i never would have done, ever.

I dont want to leave her for college. i just dont, i feel like she is the best of the best that i could ever have and i feel like i'm blowing my one chance at perfect happiness by leaving her for college. i was thinking about it today, and i know this sounds really foolish, but i know that i could save myself for her if i had the promise of being with her again. i also have this dream for my life, and it makes me really sad, because i can never ever have what i want.

my dream is to just leave and go with her up north, not too far north, but just far enough so i can get away from the big city and the stress. i want to live in a quiet place in the woods, well just where we can have a big space of land, and i could be like the 'town psychologist'? i dont know i just know that i like psychiatry but in all honesty i would be perfectly happy doing any job that pays enough so that i dont have to worry about money and i can be with her. she tells me that she wants to take her daughter to me when i become a big name psychologist to solve her daughter's problems and that tears me up because i would do anything to be with her forever, and she just doesn't think that will happen. she doesn't want me to fade away, but she expects us both to move on in our lives, and i dont think i'll be able to get over her.

i was watching the green mile on friday, and when the old guy says that his favorite time in his life was the summer after he got married to his wife when it was just them in their cabin everyday, i thought about it, and i would kill to be able to do that with her, just live with her and her alone for a summer.

i'm honestly more attracted to her everyday. she's definitely everything i could ever want and i just dont think i could ever find someone else like this, never in a million years. she's really smart, really sweet, really funny, absolutely beautiful, just everything.

i'm gonna hate college. all i want is to live my life with her. and i can't tell this to her face, so i say it in here.

cool's eternal, but it's always dated

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 09:03:08 GMT

so this isn't about how wonderful my life is right now, cuz i want to document the craziness of the power outage, but hillary is the most amazing girl in the universe

so i was driving to her birthday, and we ended up taking many detours cuz trees had blocked the roadways, and we ended up getting lost on a road and all of a sudden there was a huge tree branch hanging from a power line and it looked like it was a hanging man and that was the moment that i realized i was stuck in a horror movie hurtling towards my arbor doom. we were driving around roadblocks, and we couldn't see what was blocking them until we were creeping along a downed tree that had crushed a car and was also only two feet from our window as we passed by, it was really scary.

then i went to hillary's party, she is the sweetest thing i've ever known

and so i was driving home on bothell-everett highway tonight, and everything was dark. it was like the whole world was a ghost town, and it was so awesome seeing all the stoplights appear out of the dark, but then we got back into where there was power, and the neon glow from applebee's and canyon park absolutely sickened me. i wish all the lights went off everynight, the world is so much more beautiful that way.

On Fences With Switches Turn Them On

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 04:50:51 GMT

Aperture

Scavengers stifle rapture and leave a serrated portrait of avarice

Nostalgic shards of emerald strewn across the floor
A Mosaic disclosing my counterpart
Vacantly idling
Until her new pseudonym
Grants her instant emancipation
While I let my diaphanous roots take hold
Remember dancing on eyes?
You let the river wash your features away
Traded eyes for wings when you were tethered to the ground
The dialects wound together by cowardice
Cut the line to get to your kingdom
Ascend and blindly sing tersanctus
Ransacked consorts for the skeletal throne
Broken idolatry on a brittle pedestal
Cosmetic seraph, I wont hesitate to set fire to your wings
When smiles go flaccid, grace fails
I’ll persist on, while your wings melt

With Bulldozer Suaveness

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 02:49:47 GMT

there is a monstrous hole in my ceiling where a bunch of water is pouring down like two feet away from my computer

i've been downloading 2pac all day

and writing poetry all weekend

Brilliant Minds with Pretty Faces Never Cry

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 04:46:36 GMT

i wish i had the eloquence to say exactly how i feel whenever she freewheelingly cries out amor.

lotus flower

Our deities brandish the whip and augment our warped gait
Rites facilitate agony like narcissists drowning parthenii
The bolstered fears governed by passion wait for their king
An iconoclast holding the key
To drain the vast sacrificial lake of introspection
I saw the infinite light
Now I cannot leave

Take Her Down to the River and She Would Step Right Over the Water

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 22:06:49 GMT

I dont know if I did the right thing. Last night I was walking around the cemetary, and even though my friends were all there, I really could only think about the whole conversation.

This still sucks

take these hands and throw them in the river

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 19:16:41 GMT

i want to drown

i'm bathed in atomic light

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 00:16:43 GMT

ok so i'll make this short

i have been having a terrrible week, ridiculously stressed about everything, got really sick, girls, failed drive test, the list goes on

but everything just got better

i had the best apple i've ever had today

and now i'm about to eat pizza(baked to perfection) while listening to pizza

and thus i feel a million times better

i saw cotton and i saw black tall white mansions and little shacks

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 08:54:00 GMT

recording has been going good. i finished my vocals today, they were pretty sweet. the author the title actually worked, so i'm pumped for that shit.
today was cool.
first, we went to seven eleven after i laid down the guitar and this crazy five year old girl was just smiling at me and showing me her fingernail polish. there was also some young kid in a minor threat shirt.
i have come to the conclusion that the firehouse staff are the nicest people on the planet with the exception of nat who is a scary scary person, even though he is an upstanding individual. ken decided out of nowhere to barbeque burgers and veggie burgers, so we got to eat for free. when we walked out to get the food, everyone was in the room watching fantasia. then when we left for home, they were all out playing some basketball. i love that place.
i watched amelie for the first time tonight, it was really good, it made me happy.

PS I FORGOT
i'm pretty positive cam is a robot here are my reasons for the thesis
1. he nailed every drum track in one take
2. he makes no facial expressions when he plays drums
3. he has no emotions
4. he never shows interest in girls
5. he needs to oil his joints daily

i know that you're dying, and i know i'm unwell, and together we sashay through variations of hell

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 07:48:03 GMT

lots of shit has been going down lately i'll try to keep this compact but i dunno if i'll be able to.

um our show at the lab was cool. we played really well, but no one was there for us. it was just brandon and wayne, there were a few dudes sitting in the back, but a bunch of people were there for the other bands that we booked, and left during us, only to come back in after our set. the same thing happened at our show at the firehouse, and we had to cancel the rosetta show.

cross country has been good and i'm getting kinda fast. camp was absolutely amazing though. i made tons of friends and now i feel like i'm part of the team. it got me motivated to do shit, for the first time since i got into high school, so now i'm about to get my license and i haven't been worrying about girls or anything much at all.

shit there was something else i was gonna talk about before i went into this next part but i dont remember. i went and saw the hills have eyes on sunday with nathan, thom is a fucking longhair, and the chick and bass player from schoolyard heroes were right behind me. oh and friday the band that followed us RULED. they wre called stationary legs and they blew my mind i wanna play with them again.

we're going in to record this weekend. i'm really pumped i have a feeling that this will rule. only problem is that i've had a sore throat for a week or so and i can't seem to shake it, and i have completely lost the ability to scream. i can yell kinda like in city of caterpillar, but i can't scream anymore, so i dont know how good i'll be. eight songs in forty hours though, bass, two guitar, drums, multiple vocals for each song, this will be a task, but we know our songs inside out. nathan is gonna play bass on it and the cd release is gonna be on my eighteenth bday. hopefully it will be the best birthday ever.

I Will Erase the Sun

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 06:16:08 GMT

so i just sneezed but it came out like a gnarly ass cough, and it really hurt my throat.

Love is a Disgusting Thing

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 19:16:45 GMT

I wish i was an attractive person

Ya No Estoy Enamorado Con Tus Mentiras, El Infierno Me Duermo, Porque El Infierno es la Unica Verdad

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 23:39:41 GMT

en Mi Vida...

it's been forever since i posted anything to this. Since the last time I posted, we've played three shows, one with heavyheavylowlow, and we've booked three more. In fact, we're playing tonight. The band is going good, we just need to practice more often to becometighter and good.

This summer has been really good to me, and life is going a lot better than it was. It's still not perfect, but so many things have happened this summer to make me feel better about myself.

Highlights so I can remember it all

HHLL show where i get kicked in the nuts by their guitarist
Stypek with sydney
Opera Switch On show with Man in the Blue Van(who's singer is really hot), followed by scones with wayne, followed by stuff that never happened
fourth of july at brandon's uncle's house, three lucky catches in right field=king for a day
kyle's party, so much fun

i can't think of anything else right now but i know there is more that i'm forgetting

it's time to go for the show

In the Back of My Head I Saw a Knife Dangling from Your Face

Sun, 21 May 2006 22:44:05 GMT

"the author, the title"

graying images in my hands, run, run
depth perception is lost, fading in and out of focus
with glass eyes and unscrupulous speech, palsy afflicting all you touch

droning on and on and knocking over all in it’s path
the kleptomania and abandoned worship turning against all that was loved
warmth was thrown out, cornerstones displaced, walking down the familiar path
as the fruit falls, the echo of indifference grows

the dying young rot in your teeth

beaten under the camouflage of another night
blacklisted, thrown out, torn away from shelter
rubbernecking, all eyes drawn to the glowing wreckage
front and center, all hope lost in the glowing wreckage

akimbo spirits, facing the shrouds, circle of prayer for the fallen trust
Miserere di me, break the silence and save this

why can’t you just save this

rebirth

This is Where I Can Duck for Cover from the Overwhelming, the Forever Overhead

Mon, 08 May 2006 00:05:22 GMT

i am in a constant battle with myself in my head

My Body is a Witch I am Burning It

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 00:39:42 GMT

evidence from our first show

what will be the first button

she dies in his arms now their love is a floating ghost

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 03:13:24 GMT

first just raptors show was on friday, in a barn, and it was awesome. there were no real fuck-ups and we went pretty crazy and it was just a hoot. it was almost in marysville though, so it was a bitch to get there. alex wayne and brandon came to support us, it was tight. the people putting it on were really cool. i think my favorite band to watch was everyone's hypocrite, even though i liked the majority of the bands that played. they recorded it, but the guys computer might have deleted it, so we might have audio from our first live show, and we might not.

YEAH

i just made a design that could be our first button, it looks cool, and all that jazz, i'm gonna scan it into the comp later

you are every ounce of horror

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 22:53:33 GMT

a perfect world

little children always get to heaven
you gave me bread and shelter
then broke my legs and left me for the wolves
you took back what was left
help me clear my head in your masochistic existence
flashes of torture ate away my sanity
each day the weight became greater
until i made my tormentors go away
my protectors go away
now i'll get to heaven

Type C and Saliva Bubbling

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 08:18:52 GMT

i am sexually frustrated

dangling from a silver lining

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 02:48:19 GMT

on friday I went to the ground zero and dropped off the demo, I have not heard back from them, so that's not the greatest sign, oh well I guess I'll just have to wait a bit.

saturday we practiced at my house. we made a video and we finished the author the title as well as chinese democracy. then cam and i went to the thursday show.

i left my ticket in the truck, so i had to wait for my dad to come back to let me in. i got htere kinda late and only saw a bit of we are broken, the bassist was insane and the guitarist with dreads was pretty pimp. then hte number twelve played, they were tight, the guitarist shreds, but there were a lot of fools going apeshit to them, i'm not against going apeshit, i'm against fools. then minus the bear played. dave is awesome at guitar, and at headbanging. i like them a lot now, just because dave is such an original guitarist, i wanna see him live again badly. thursday was pretty good, i was in the very front and everyone around me were college guys, it was sweaty. they played at this velocity, i really like that song.

i have to fill out my paper to sign up for dodgeball.

i wrote two new tracks for my next solo cd. aleph and bet.

We Breathe Out of Key and Wonder

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 03:20:15 GMT

haven't updated in awhile

I worked with james and cam on friday

I went and saw lots of bands at the ground zero. We met some cool people in line, who were funny as hell. monsterz was cool, HELLA COOL until they started playing, because once they started playing it was just a fuckload of feedback, and before they started they had an awesome swirling doom thing going. behold the rolling thunder was fucking awesome, and best of all, they're all awesome guys. who know how to rock. From aphony basically sucked but their fans sucked a shitload more. My favorite moment that night was when I looked from all the dancing 14 year olds on the stage to kris a foot away from them frowning disapprovingly in the corner. Paris in Arms was pretty crazy, I like them, but I would have liked them a lot more if they turned up the guitar. HHLL was cool, I was having a good ole time. The fall of troy were good again, but the last time at the ground zero was so much better. I handed out like twenty copies of our demo, and then I escaped with james and rachel.

Since then I have wrote three new songs for justraptors. chinese democracy, the author the title, 3 28 06. I also came up with some cool riffs about half an hour ago that might work out for a new song, possibly.

I think I'm going to the ground zero music advisory board tomorrow with james in order to get a show.

Oh I also finished the edible sun ep thing last week, it's 8 songs and 43 minutes long. I kinda like it.

Right about now I want to make a nifty sweatshirt.

I Say What I Want, I Want a Standing Ovation at My Funeral

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 03:36:09 GMT

I will live forever…

4/4 chemistry keeps the units intact.
sex reflecting off of the neon pupils below
swaying to the melodies like the religious fanatics
turning what once was the antidote into toxins
when they turn to their preacher-man and ask
“what is it about you that makes us cram buildings packed?
What is it about you that makes us happily wear our blinders?
What is it that makes you so strong?
(you lift the weight of the world off of our shoulders)
Keep chanting that one sermon we love and know”
Great columns fly from dentile chimneys, many years washed from the ink-splatter faces
Puff puff puffing in the most fashionable way possible
Emotions have been replaced with receding hemlines, lift it up and have your way, it’s the only way to go, no regrets when it’s done,
no signs of remorse except for the way you naturally squirm when you’re in the sex position, howling for the gates, unhinging your jaw, letting the bats fly from your mouth
and letting yourself go entirely
Don’t let the elders see you in this way,
Don’t let them see the avant-guard way you show yourself
You are an original, so don’t let yourself get lost amidst the thousands of other sheep
(You can’t let them see your real insecurities)
You blended in, and your face is out of focus
The whole flock chants, love love love
Love love love love love love love sing the songs of love
Sing the songs in your underground crevices that you keep under the camera’s eye
Leave the originals in their unmarked, uncredited graves,
And let the new scowls hang like the market special
2 for 1
they don’t taste as good but at least you saved a bundle
dying the world around them black while you watch and say
there is nothing quite as singeing and beautiful as a man
being incinerated for his cause, rolling to and fro
amidst the swirling grinds,
this spectacle, this wretched nightmare,
brings eyes sunken in and riveted, their profiles riveted in a parallel universe
where gloom is the new beauty and they confess ardor by reciting
“die in my arms”, the new youth slogan
tattooed on their chests,
where it replaces your old Hollywood cold, and you rejoice
the forest is all joy, and with the snap of gunfire,
everything vanishes and the martyr falls to the ground lifeless
just like the great thinkers of their time, who all lost faith
as their grand vessels of change sank,
while their captains came closer to god, and threw up the mighty white flag
as they all sang “I will live forever”, just like it has been said
so many times, broadcast in stale dialogues with ancient imagery,
there lies the immobile angel, crippled by junk
swinging it’s head back and forth, imagining it’s peaceful apocalyptic world where
it masquerades and cries for a sea of vermin
bounding off of walls in an eternal fight against each other
leaving such a majestic being cracked and broken in an alleyway
crying itself to sleep
just like the
inventers who always end up penniless and alone, but the
salesmen will always die happy with fond memories of their market rapes
and their preaching to the false god, sending them directly to
the deepest circle of hell that is saved for them,
Where their hipster followers will be plagued forever
all of their paradoxical mutterings will be put on stage for all to see,
leaving the haunting images of apparitions left to rot in the setting sun
and as the demons mock and torture them
they command
“NOW YOU SAY!
‘I will live forever!!’”

One Stair Two Stairs Three Stairs Go Spiraling

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 06:13:52 GMT

WE FINISHED RECORDING THE DEMO TODAY! I DON'T SOUND TERRIBLE! I AM EXCITED BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL LISTEN TO OUR MUSIC!

also, I have discovered how to use soulseek, man that is a great fucking program.

I get to sleep in tomorrow

Stair.